Everything (Will Be) Comin’ Up Millhouse

Happy 2012, friends!
 
I have to say, I love this time of year because I love making resolutions. You get to look in the mirror with your head held high and say “it’s okay that I’ve gained 40 pounds in 12 months, alienated all of my friends and family, and managed to somehow make less money at my dead end job, I will make it all okay!” and hope for a better future.
 
It doesn’t matter that that bitch Robin Roberts is giving you the “good luck with your resolutions, you loser” face on Good Morning America, the internet is practically screaming at you that of the 45% of people that make resolutions, in a month only 64% will still have kept them, and in 6 months it dwindles to 46%. And only 8% of people hit their goals every year. This is your year! Right? Right?
 
Usually not.
Why don’t they stick? My theory goes something like this: most people hate what they have to fix so much, that they can’t get past the first few weeks of working toward it to see they are making progress. So instead of giving you tips on how to acheive your goals like other lame blogs, I will give you some ideas on how not to hate yourself until you can run 100 yards without bleeding from the lungs, and get your mom to forgive you for ruining Christmas. 
 
1. Be realistic about where you are now. I’m always amazed at how awesome my denial system is. If you feel like you’re 100 pounds overweight and can’t look in the mirror without crying, there’s no use in telling yourself you look like Mary Kate Olsen, because when you do get a look at yourself in the mirror, self hate will abound. Being honest about something you hate about yourself is hard, but telling yourself you will make it better cushions the blow.
 
2. And don’t hate yourself for it. So you had to buy 6 packs of cookie dough before you were successfully able to not eat all the cookies before your holiday party at work. There’s being unhappy with where you are and motivated to change (productive), then there’s calling yourself every name in the book before collapsing in a pile of tears on your bed (unproductive). 
 
3. Put yourself on autopilot for the first month. It takes 21 days to make a habit, so decide on your goal, brainstorm a list of ways to acheive it and then put yourself on autopilot and just effing DO them. 21 days will be over before you even realize all the great work you’ve done.
 
4. Don’t be an idiot. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that people can rationalize ANYTHING. I need to eat that can of frosting because I haven’t eaten enough sugar today and I’ll just exercise for 8 straight hours to burn it off tomorrow. No. Smoking ‘just one more’ won’t help you quit smoking, eating a can of frosting doesn’t help you lose weight (trust me on this one), and shoving all your clutter piles in a closet and making big plans to clean them later doesn’t make them (or you) more organized. “Don’t outsmart your common sense”. Tell yourself to shut up, stop being an idiot and use your common sense to do what you know is right. 
 
5. Tell yourself the opposite. I once read something that said for every assertion you make, the opposite is true as well. So next time you get up and lament about how much you hate getting up early to work out, tell yourself that you love it, put on your autopilot and press on (eventually you’ll find things you love about something you hate).
 
6. It’s the journey. Believe it or not, you will look back on this time when you’re just starting fondly, because that lame, fat, smoker, mess of a person that you thought you were did all that hard work that got you to your goal. Working toward a goal is just as fullfilling as achieving the goal itself because you are proving to yourself every day how strong you are (how fabulous!). So relax, put on a smile, turn the negatives to positives and enjoy the ride, because it’s not going anywhere. It’s not the top of the mountain, “It’s the climb” (oh, don’t be surprised I just quoted Miley Cyrus).
 
While you’re working hard to get things done to achieve your goal, there will be those times when your autopilot will shut off and all the sudden you are starting to see the mess you got yourself into. “I’m eating carrots all day and I still look like Edna Turnblad’s fat sister?” but if you can stay positive enough LONG enough to see changes, it’ll all be coming up Millhouse before you know it.